Our Mama Dora

A procrastinated story. I had this untitled draft for about two years after my beautiful mother's passing. A lump in my throat and welling tears always managed to procrastinate this short peace.  This picture above is my favorite amongst the many I've taken of her. It captures her whole nature-  Mama Dora, as many in Goroka know her by or DN by her colleagues. Her eyes were kind and humble and always sincere. She wasn't a woman of many words but whenever she would speak, she would drop little gems of wisdom here and there. I loved her high cheeks, they would rise up when she smiles or laughs and the sides of her eyes would crinkle to let you know she got the joke. She had two faded arrow tattoos traditionally inked on either sides of her eyes and her voice was very gentle- the kind that made you know that everything was going to be alright. 

 Just writing about her now, I am picturing her in this kolos, recall her motherly scent hinted with her favorite Elizabeth Arden's Red Door perfume. My big sister, Pamela would always refill her stock when she returned from Australia or send it through a travelling family or friend. Along with the perfume, Pam, would also make sure she had several packs of hair dyes either black or burgundy and a new suit or work clothes with a wallet or a handbag to replace her previous ones. But like many of our mothers, mum would pack all the nice things away in her suitcase and slide it under the bed..."I'll wear it on a special occasion".  As the last born, it was my unspoken mandated duty to be the one that answered to her little requests;   sikirapim baksait blo mi (scratch my back), holim lek blo mi (massage my feet) and of course the regular hair dying and facial hair waxing duties- dyim garas blo mi, rausim maus gras blo mi, Mandei bai mi go sanap lo clas rum na mi mas luk nais lo ai blong ol sumatin.

Three peas in a pod- Me, Mum & Pam. Sipiga Barracks, Goroka, 2015.

A green thumb. There were many Sunday mornings or afternoons where you would find us sitting with a hose and a brush scrubbing our feet away after gardening in the backyard.  Everything she planted grew and not only fed us, but also fed the neighbors. Whenever it's time to harvest, be it banana, cassava, greens or fish from the backyard pond, it was tradition to share it with the neighbors near to us and she would tell us, "ol luluk stap na kaikai grow na karim, ino gutpla yumi yet kaikai na yumi no skelim". Her hands were blessed and it was largely because she always gave away.

I don't recall my siblings and I ever being chronically sick or gone without food a single day. Mum was the only parent present in our lives and much of her salary went to pay back school fee loans. She not only sent us all to get our bachelors and post graduate degrees, but also supported other adopted and fostered students and teens either related by blood or friend of a friend or family. Our doors were always open and I don't recall having a room to myself growing up. 

It sometimes made us mad, but she would say, this is my house and maybe God has placed me here to provide a home for those who do not have one and in so doing, I can witness to them as well. Very few of them keep in touch with us now or have sent condolences when she passed on, but that is part of life. In her giving, we know God has blessed us and our children in turn. She taught us that when you give or provide something to someone in need, do not expect anything back because you will then disappoint yourself and God will not receive glory in your giving at all. Everything she did was an act of worship to God. 

Mum and I transplant some lettuce in our backyard garden.
2016, Goroka Technical College.

Stability & the teachings of life. Mum's era of teachers dedicated their lives to their careers- not just because it paid the bills, but it was their passion and I believe, their calling. Their bond was made even stronger because they were mostly single mums. The epitome of independent, career-focused and brilliant women who showed us what professionalism was, top work ethics, work- home balance and always celebrating the milestones of graduations or birthdays together. They not only taught their respective courses to their students, but also etiquettes and life skills and became mothers to the young women and men who passed through Goroka Technical College.  I take this part to acknowledge the dads present at the time, because they became father figures for all of us.

Friends for Life. You would find our mums either in their classes or office, in church, garden or sipping tea in one or the other's home. That was routine, and it gave us stability growing up- we always knew where to find them. I will forever be grateful for the safe and gated community this college provided. The college also provided free school transportation for staff kids, so parents knew their kids were safe from kindy all the way to High School. This place became our village and our neighbors were the tribe and I guess today, the children carry on as lifelong friends. I wish I had all their pictures, but here are some of the lovely mums I gathered from Facebook with respect to some of the beautiful souls (Late Aunty Rolly & Husband Mr Mirisa Eka, Late Mrs Pipilai and Mum) who've passed on.  

 

 Top left to right: Rose Vaiang, Lolo Niso and Rose Anderson (Sisters), Stelina Sergius, Betty Yamuru, Rebecca Namora, Gwen Monuo, Bettey Gerea, Guim Kagl, Late Rolly Eka, Mr Lucas Wamas and Daughter Melin, Lolo Niso, Jeannette Lee, Rhoda Sapak, Janet Nagisaro, Late Mrs Galson Pipilai, Agatha Simango & Joycelyn Kairi. All sourced from FB profiles. 

Seeds of Wisdom. You never really appreciate the little stories with hidden morals told over and over by your parents and elders until you actually have to go through life your self. Much of these were  sewn into our subconscious with every meal shared, every afternoon stroll, every guest that came and went, every nightly fellowship...mum would always have a life lesson to share. Most of these were about the small gestures at home that showed respect and good manners around the home setting:

- If a relative or friend has travelled far visit you and you already see them from afar, don't sit down and wait for them to come close before you greet them, run out to meet them halfway and hug them and carry their bags and bring them home. They may be very nervous and anxious whether or not they are welcome and by you doing that, they will be relieved and feel at ease. 

Do not return an empty dish/bowl or tray to someone who has shared a meal with you. Return it with something of the same nature in it. 

If you would like to donate clothes or accessories to anyone you think may need it, always consider- would I wear this myself? if not because it is too old or unusable, do not give it. And if you have received anything as a gift from someone, do not re-gift it, lest the giver finds out and will never give again in future.

If a guest is staying over, do not be quick to ask, "when are you leaving?" for they might take it as a nudge for them to leave.

If someone brings a bag of food from the village or far away to your house, do not just take it into the kitchen or ignore it and thank them later...open the bag as it comes and acknowledge each one and thank them for the effort and time and money it may have cost to bring such for you. This will elate them and your gratitude will be appreciated. 

Do not be idle for too long. Get up and do something. That way the devil will not plant doubt, regrets, envy, jealousy and everything negative in your mind that will eventually destroy you.

Live within your means. Then you wouldn't need to borrow or put yourself in a financially desperate position and your fridge and cupboards will still have food until your next income. 

Not everyone needs to know if you have blessed someone. That is between you, them and God.

If you are a guest in another home and they offer food, do not refuse it. Bless it in prayer, eat and compliment the cook and then offer to wash up or help with the dishes. If you are staying over, always say goodnight and acknowledge each family before taking your leave. Do not just sneak off. 

I could go on and on...but these were some drops of wisdom that I think were worth sharing. 

A debt never repaid. Mum had many stories to tell. Her childhood and the first time the white men came to Kerowagi, Chimbu Province. How she fell in love with the sound of a typewriter and got her first job as a typist, secretary and then teacher between Goroka, Port Moresby, Lae, Mt Hagen and then Goroka before attaining her Masters Degree at Divine Word in her late fifties. How she met our father and then the strength she had to find to raise four children by herself with the help of her siblings and her people from Chimbu. Stories of her travels to several countries and experiences that often left the room laughing in tears. But those are perhaps better saved for another day. 

The one story that always stands out to this day and has my siblings and I tear up is her dream for us. She used to stand at the Goroka Airport, right at the fence where the Post Office is (Peace Park)  and watch the planes take off and land. She would think to herself, "one day, my kids will fly off in those airplanes and see the world..." and this gave her all the strength she needed to meet school fees, pay the bills and toil day in and day out. On her shoulders we stood and took our leaps. A debt we could never repay to this day. 

Goroka Airport & Peace Park. Credit: Scott Kilner.

I end this little peace with an advice that I wish someone told me. Our folks will not live forever. Hug your parents a little closer, call them and check on how they are doing. Send them money for their cola even if they don't need it. Be there for those hospital appointments, respond to the calls and messages they send. Show that their opinions matter to you no matter how big of a deal you've become. This life is fleeting and no grudge or argument is worth holding onto. The world is already full of angry, unforgiving, selfish, sad and greedy people, if you have to choose, be one of the good ones. Love, forgive, give and choose joy.

 If you have any memory of mama Dora you would like to share, do drop them in the comments section, they would mean the world to us💝.